It has been a while since I have written on this blog. Mainly, I have kept this blog to journal my thoughts after losing Caden. It has been 4 years since I went into my appointment and found that there was no heartbeat. At that point in my life, I felt so lost and just completely overwhelmed by life. I couldn't even manage to think about how to live on from that point and it consumed me for a long time. To think that everything I did right and still it wasn't enough. It is just not fair!!!
After that there have been little losses that bring back those feelings I had while in the hospital. It is amazing to me how those feelings come and sweep over me all over again in the most random of ways.
In 2007 we had some really good friends who were expecting a baby right after we lost Caden. They were having a boy and I had the hardest time with it. I think that I never really told anyone about it, and I just sucked up my emotions to be there for my friend. But what I didn't do was take care of myself back then. I needed to be taken care of too, and this friend made life so hard for me. I don't think that she realized it at the time, but the most hurtful comments I heard after losing Caden (and I heard more than I care to admit) were from her. It was the hardest time of my entire life. I had to keep a healthy distance from her b/c I physically and emotionally couldn't deal with some of the things she said to me. It completely crushed me.
Being able to distance myself was hard. I had to lean on other people who said that they would do anything for me and to let them know what they could do for me. I finally had to step out and just see if they really meant it, or if they were just saying that b/c it was the thing to say. One friend really stepped up and our friendship has grown as a result. She didn't replace the friend that I distanced myself from, but she filled the void, and we had a stronger bond than I ever thought would be possible.
Well, I am reminded of some of those feeling again this weekend. Tom and I decided to do a kid swap so that our friend wouldn't have to get a babysitter for their son, and then they were going to watch Jaycee for us so that we could go out together alone. I thought this was a great idea that Tom had. We wanted to make things very uncomplicated and simple. That is just how we are. We try to live our lives simply and uncomplicated. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles and I should have just cancelled, but for whatever reason I didn't. I guess I was looking forward to getting to spend some time just us. There were several complications on my friend's end and I gave her plenty of opportunities to reschedule and try it again another time, but she said that things would be OK. So we went out and just did a lot of random things together that we don't get to do when Jaycee is with us. I gave my friend a time that we would pick up Jaycee, and she had no complaints about that at least that is what I thought. We were heading on our way to pick her up and were actually about 20 minutes earlier than what I told me friend, when we get a phone call. My friend asked me if we were on our way b/c she thought we were going to be there much sooner. I felt so bad, b/c the last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel inconvenienced or take advantage of them at all. I am pretty sensitive to those kinds of things. When we got there, I just got the impression that my friend was done watching her and wanted Jaycee gone. It felt crushed. It made me feel like our idea of a kid swap was a complete failure and bust. That reminded me about how I felt losing Caden. I felt as if I was a complete failure and things were a bust then too. Even though the situation is different it amazes me that I feel the same way. It doesn't help that my friend is the one that I had such a hard time with back then too. I feel as if things just can't be the same, and I don't know how to even approach her about things like that or if I should just let it go and leave the ball in her court. My friendship with her is so strange and I think that I feel bad more than good when I am around her. I am always analyzing myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my parenting style when I am around her. Is that a healthy friendship? I know that I don't want to write her off and erase her from my life, but sometimes I think it would be easier. I know that is not the right thing to do, but maybe I needed this to see that other friendships have filled that void she left so many years ago, and that what I have with her is what it is. I guess I also need to not expect so much from the friendship either. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance. It just makes me sad!!!
Mira
