On this journey that my family has been through, I feel so much like I am forgetting about Caden as time goes by. For so long I prayed that God would heal my heart and renew my spirit and help me understand and know myself again. For the longest time I waited and waited. The same questions kept coming to my mind. How do I go on without the one precious gift to hold, my baby boy? This questions has really never been answered, I have just had to figure this out on my own.
In this process called grief, I have discovered that it never goes away, but rather it just gets a little easier with each passing day. It has been nearly 3 years since Caden was stillborn, and I still think about how I will remember how much he changed my life. I look all around me and see what I would never have done had it not been for him. I also see that we have been through many changes that I wasn't at all prepared for.
One thing I do know is that somehow my heart has been healed and that I am able to live with a peice of Caden still with me. I feel him every time I desperately need answers to prayers, or whenever I look into my daughter's face (I wonder if he would have looked like her), or when I go out into my yard and start another summer project in what I call a memorial garden. All of these things remind me of Caden and how I know that he is watching over me so closely. This year was pretty tough for me job wise. I wasn't completely comfortable starting out the year being 7 and a half months pregnant and teaching a new grade. I wasn't really sure if I was up to the challenge of teaching first graders. But somehow I got through it, and had a baby in the process.
When we had Jaycee, the first thing that I wanted to do was just hear her cry. It brought the most joyful tears to my eyes. Tom and I just were bawling tears of joy. It was the best sound we had heard in a long time. She really had helped us heal from so many past hurts and dissapointments.
Last weekend at church, there was a Parent-Child Dedication service. Since we started going to Central Christian, we really haven't known quite how to go about having Jaycee dedicated. So when there was an announcement in the bulletin about it, I made all the arrangements. I always had a picture in my head of what that day would be like, but it is funny how things just change. It was so different then I imagined, but it was also exactly the right thing for us. Before the service, the children's pastor wanted us to list a couple of prayer partners who have supported us as parents, and also to share what her name means. I had no idea what Jaycee's name meant, except that it came from a Carman song back in the late 1990's. I got on the internet and searched for "baby name meanings". I went to the first sight I could find, and typed in her name. There is was in black and white Jaycee's name means "healer". How perfect!!!! God definitely knows what He is doing. Jaycee really has helped our hearts heal in so many ways. I get so anxious to see what she will do next.
I can't wait to share God's love with her and to let her know she has a big brother watching over her always.
