Our Story

Feeling Lost All Over Again

2011-12-11T16:53:00.004-06:00

It has been a while since I have written on this blog. Mainly, I have kept this blog to journal my thoughts after losing Caden. It has been 4 years since I went into my appointment and found that there was no heartbeat. At that point in my life, I felt so lost and just completely overwhelmed by life. I couldn't even manage to think about how to live on from that point and it consumed me for a long time. To think that everything I did right and still it wasn't enough. It is just not fair!!!

After that there have been little losses that bring back those feelings I had while in the hospital. It is amazing to me how those feelings come and sweep over me all over again in the most random of ways.

In 2007 we had some really good friends who were expecting a baby right after we lost Caden. They were having a boy and I had the hardest time with it. I think that I never really told anyone about it, and I just sucked up my emotions to be there for my friend. But what I didn't do was take care of myself back then. I needed to be taken care of too, and this friend made life so hard for me. I don't think that she realized it at the time, but the most hurtful comments I heard after losing Caden (and I heard more than I care to admit) were from her. It was the hardest time of my entire life. I had to keep a healthy distance from her b/c I physically and emotionally couldn't deal with some of the things she said to me. It completely crushed me.

Being able to distance myself was hard. I had to lean on other people who said that they would do anything for me and to let them know what they could do for me. I finally had to step out and just see if they really meant it, or if they were just saying that b/c it was the thing to say. One friend really stepped up and our friendship has grown as a result. She didn't replace the friend that I distanced myself from, but she filled the void, and we had a stronger bond than I ever thought would be possible.

Well, I am reminded of some of those feeling again this weekend. Tom and I decided to do a kid swap so that our friend wouldn't have to get a babysitter for their son, and then they were going to watch Jaycee for us so that we could go out together alone. I thought this was a great idea that Tom had. We wanted to make things very uncomplicated and simple. That is just how we are. We try to live our lives simply and uncomplicated. It just seemed like there were too many obstacles and I should have just cancelled, but for whatever reason I didn't. I guess I was looking forward to getting to spend some time just us. There were several complications on my friend's end and I gave her plenty of opportunities to reschedule and try it again another time, but she said that things would be OK. So we went out and just did a lot of random things together that we don't get to do when Jaycee is with us. I gave my friend a time that we would pick up Jaycee, and she had no complaints about that at least that is what I thought. We were heading on our way to pick her up and were actually about 20 minutes earlier than what I told me friend, when we get a phone call. My friend asked me if we were on our way b/c she thought we were going to be there much sooner. I felt so bad, b/c the last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel inconvenienced or take advantage of them at all. I am pretty sensitive to those kinds of things. When we got there, I just got the impression that my friend was done watching her and wanted Jaycee gone. It felt crushed. It made me feel like our idea of a kid swap was a complete failure and bust. That reminded me about how I felt losing Caden. I felt as if I was a complete failure and things were a bust then too. Even though the situation is different it amazes me that I feel the same way. It doesn't help that my friend is the one that I had such a hard time with back then too. I feel as if things just can't be the same, and I don't know how to even approach her about things like that or if I should just let it go and leave the ball in her court. My friendship with her is so strange and I think that I feel bad more than good when I am around her. I am always analyzing myself, my thoughts, my actions, and my parenting style when I am around her. Is that a healthy friendship? I know that I don't want to write her off and erase her from my life, but sometimes I think it would be easier. I know that is not the right thing to do, but maybe I needed this to see that other friendships have filled that void she left so many years ago, and that what I have with her is what it is. I guess I also need to not expect so much from the friendship either. I have learned to be content in whatever circumstance. It just makes me sad!!!

Mira

Healer

2010-05-01T22:55:00.006-05:00

On this journey that my family has been through, I feel so much like I am forgetting about Caden as time goes by. For so long I prayed that God would heal my heart and renew my spirit and help me understand and know myself again. For the longest time I waited and waited. The same questions kept coming to my mind. How do I go on without the one precious gift to hold, my baby boy? This questions has really never been answered, I have just had to figure this out on my own.

In this process called grief, I have discovered that it never goes away, but rather it just gets a little easier with each passing day. It has been nearly 3 years since Caden was stillborn, and I still think about how I will remember how much he changed my life. I look all around me and see what I would never have done had it not been for him. I also see that we have been through many changes that I wasn't at all prepared for.

One thing I do know is that somehow my heart has been healed and that I am able to live with a peice of Caden still with me. I feel him every time I desperately need answers to prayers, or whenever I look into my daughter's face (I wonder if he would have looked like her), or when I go out into my yard and start another summer project in what I call a memorial garden. All of these things remind me of Caden and how I know that he is watching over me so closely. This year was pretty tough for me job wise. I wasn't completely comfortable starting out the year being 7 and a half months pregnant and teaching a new grade. I wasn't really sure if I was up to the challenge of teaching first graders. But somehow I got through it, and had a baby in the process.

When we had Jaycee, the first thing that I wanted to do was just hear her cry. It brought the most joyful tears to my eyes. Tom and I just were bawling tears of joy. It was the best sound we had heard in a long time. She really had helped us heal from so many past hurts and dissapointments.

Last weekend at church, there was a Parent-Child Dedication service. Since we started going to Central Christian, we really haven't known quite how to go about having Jaycee dedicated. So when there was an announcement in the bulletin about it, I made all the arrangements. I always had a picture in my head of what that day would be like, but it is funny how things just change. It was so different then I imagined, but it was also exactly the right thing for us. Before the service, the children's pastor wanted us to list a couple of prayer partners who have supported us as parents, and also to share what her name means. I had no idea what Jaycee's name meant, except that it came from a Carman song back in the late 1990's. I got on the internet and searched for "baby name meanings". I went to the first sight I could find, and typed in her name. There is was in black and white Jaycee's name means "healer". How perfect!!!! God definitely knows what He is doing. Jaycee really has helped our hearts heal in so many ways. I get so anxious to see what she will do next.

I can't wait to share God's love with her and to let her know she has a big brother watching over her always.

Contact Us

2010-01-12T00:26:00.003-06:00

I love hearing from any and all of my blog fans. I read all of the comments and love to know that we are making a small difference in this part of the world. I also love making new friends and sharing my faith with those that I meet.

You can contact us at:

mehrlichsmiley@yahoo.com

We look forward to hearing from you!!!

Caden's Story

2010-01-12T00:23:00.002-06:00

So it has taken me so very long to write about Caden. Most of the time it has been too painful for me to handle, and my life right now has been heading towards lots of change and newness. I must say that putting our journey in print has not been on top of my list of things to do. So here it goes.

Tom and I had been teaching for many years. We planned on waiting to start to have children until we were ready for them financially. About 5 years ago, we took a Crown Financial Bible study and learned so much from it. That fall I started teaching in Newton right across the street from Tom. We began to apply the principals we learned in Crown, and were well on our way to hopefully becoming debt free.

A couple of more years past and we decided to head to Chicago for a KU first round basketball game. It was a great vacation for us!!! Several weeks after returning home from Chicago, I began to feel pretty lousy. I wasn't sure what it was, but I had not felt that sick in a long time. I couldn't eat anything and I felt very nauseaous. I hadn't really thought about it too much, but that sick feeling just would not go away. So I decided to take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, it was positive. I was completely shocked!!!! We had talked about starting to have kids soon, but were planning on trying after school was out for the summer. I had no idea that it could happen so fast.

So after getting used to the idea of being pregnant and becoming parents soon, we started to get excited and plan on what to do as far as a nursery was concerned. I had a picture saved from when we took a trip to Home Depot and I told Tom someday that I would like to decorate our kids' room like that. He remembered and that was that. We picked out the bright colors of lime green, yellow, and turquoise. Tom spent a weekend taping and putting the colors into a checkered pattern. When he finished it looked just like I had imagined it to be.

Later that summer we found out that we were going to have a boy. We were both pretty excited b/c he was going to be the first grandson on both sides of our families. I was really looking forward to teaching him our love for basketball and sports. We were really anticipating his arrival soon.

School started that August and I was busy!!! I was teaching 3rd grade at the time and really wanted to get my students ready for the dreaded State Assessments. Most upper elementary teachers will know what I'm talking about.

On one of my appointment days, I had to leave school really quickly to get to my appt. on time. I also forgot that I had afterschool duty that day too. I was needless to say a little overwhelmed and stressed. I ended up making it to my appt. on time and luckily for me, Tom was able to go with me. Little did I know that day would forever change my life.

We went into the Drs. office and I thought it was a regular check up. The nurse checked the regular things like blood pressure and proteins and such. She said that my blood pressure was high, but didn't really seem too concerned about it. As my Dr. entered the room, I just knew that something was different about this appt. then the others. She said that my blood pressure was too high and that I had too much protein and she was sending us straight to the hospital. I was terrified. I was only 30 weeks pregnant at that time and not ready at all to have a baby.

We went to Wesley Hospital in Wichita, Ks and I was taken care of very nicely. The nurses there are some of the best that I could have had. They gave me steroid shots just in case I was going to have the baby early. I was in the hospital for a total of 4 days before they let me go home. I was put on strict bed rest at home and was going to stay at home until I had the baby. My Dr. diagnosed me as having preeclampsia. It is pregnancy induced high blood pressure, and is sometimes common in women with their first pregnancies. The only way to get rid of it is to have the baby, but I was too early for that.

Bed Rest. I was not a person who would just sit and do nothing unless it was a Saturday morning. This was quite hard for me. I was at home all the time and kept seeing lots of chores that I needed to do around the house that I couldn't even help with. But I knew that it would be worth it to keep my baby safe and to hold him soon.

Three weeks later, my Dr. sent me in for a biophysical profile. It is basically a sonogram, but they are looking for specific movements. As I went to that appt. my pastor's wife at the time took me, because Tom couldn't come with me. I went in with a positive attitude and just was waiting out the last several weeks until I could hold my baby in my arms. While I was there, I could just sense that something was different. The sonographer sent me immediately to my dr. I thought that was strange as I didn't have an appt. with her then. As I entered the office, I saw the receptionists talking and then fell silent as I entered. It was then that I knew that I would not be getting good news, but I was still hopeful. I thought that I was going to have to go into the hospital right away b/c of some of my protein levels. I had no idea what was about to happen. My pastor's wife stayed out in the car to wait for me, b/c I didn't think it would be too long.

I have always been told that God never gives you more than you can handle, but I never really knew what that meant until that first day in November. A different Dr. came in and asked me if there was anyone that could come in the room with me. So I called my pastor's wife in the car and let her know what they said to me. She advised me that I should call Tom. She also called her husband and they both came into the room with me. It seemed like I was waiting forever for someone to tell me what in the world was going on. Finally another Dr. came in and said that my baby had no heart beat. I really didn't know what to do at that point except to cry. My whole world fell apart. I remembered thinking that it was a mistake and that they should do another sonogram. Tom came and I had to tell him the bad news. His words were those of the best kind of loving husband. He simply said "God is in control." It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was the truth. We both sat there and cried and prayed that God would give us the strength to do what we needed to do and grieve in a way that brought glory to His name. I somedays don't know if we have done that. So much has happened, but I know that God revealed himself to me in ways that I would never have imagined.

Later that day, we headed to the hospital again. My dr. was not oncall that day, but she came and did whatever I needed so that I would have minimal pain and that it would be a quick delivery. I appreciate her kindness and willingness to stay and be with us for that tragic moment. On Friday November 2, 2007 at 1:15 pm, I delivered a stillborn Caden Everett Ehrlich. He weighed 3 lbs. and 6 oz. He was so tiny, but so complete too. Tom and I were able to hold him for as long as we wanted to. It was a bittersweet moment. I knew that he was not there, but all I wanted to do was hold him. I felt so empty!!!

I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another 4 days until my blood pressure went back down. While I was there many great family and friends came to visit. It brought a little comfort at such a painful time of my life. Tom and I also had to prepare for a memorial. Neither one of us had even considered having a memorial or knew what we would do. Our pastor told us about an organization called Agape Care Cradle. So we said that we would look into it. They helped us decide what kind of service we wanted to have and how we wanted to remember Caden. We never thought that we would have to have our baby and then give him a memorial service all in the same week. It broke both of our hearts.

Caden's memorial was a way for us to share our faith with many people. Our students at work made cards and shared with us similar situations that they had with losing a little brother or sister. I also heard from many people that they were amazed at how we were able to leave the hospital without Caden. There was not amazement about it. For us we had no choice. It was what had to be done. I also had many people that wanted to donate in Caden's name to different organizations and such. I was overwhelmed at how much Caden had affected others. I decided that I did not want to waste my pain and I wanted to do something to honor him.

This blog was my way of doing something for him. I talk about my trials and how we have come through some rough storms. I never think of myself as someone who is strong, but with God's help, He helped me to be strong when I felt like giving up. Losing Caden taught me many things about the world around me and what is really important. Caden I believe is living in perfection and I am so jealous. His first experiences are of our heavenly father. I have learned so much from him. I hold him in my heart always and he will never be forgotten. That is what faith is really about. So I hold onto my Lord and wait until he decides that I can see Caden again.

Our Story "Part One"

2009-09-03T17:47:00.005-05:00

So here is how it all started. I have been wanting to catalog where our journey through grief and the lessons God has taught us in life began, but it has been too painful. I may not get too far today, but this is a start.

March 2007

Tom and I had the wonderful opportunity to go watch the KU mens basketball team play the first round of the NCAA tournament in Chicago. Since my brother lives there, we stayed with him and his wife and were able to get pretty decent seats close enough to see the faces of the players. For those of you who don't know, Tom and I are huge basketball fans, and we both have been watching KU for a long time.Shortly after that trip, I started to get sick. I thought it was just a flu bug that was going around, but it seemed to last for a really long time. I decided to take a pregnancy test and was in complete shock that it was positive. We were not even really planning to try to have kids until later on. We had one conversation about the fact that maybe we were ready to pursue adding to our family, but didn't think it would happen so quickly.We ended the school year with me still being quite sick and nauseaous, but in good spirits. I was kind of glad that I had the summer to rest and relax.

At that time, I wanted to spend the entire summer getting ready and making sure that everything was perfect for the arrival of a new baby. We decided that Tom would paint the nursery that summer and we would get some clothes and a crib. So that is what we did. I found a really awesome picture of how I wanted the room painted at Lowes or somewhere like that and wanted Tom to do that. He spent an entire weekend taping the walls and painting. It looked so great, just like the picture. I was so proud and excited to put a new baby in that room.

The rest of the summer was spent just traveling and getting ready for the new baby. I have to admit that I was quite obsessed with making sure that everything was just right. It kind of makes me wonder why I felt the need to be that way. I had a couple of appointments that summer, but nothing out of the ordinary.When the summer ended, so did my rest and relaxation.

Back to school I went teaching 3rd grade. I had an appointment a couple of days before school started and didn't think anything about it. One of the first days of school, I got a call from my doctor saying to call at my earliest convenience b/c of some test results. That was the start of where all my worries came from. One of the tests was for birth defects and down's syndrome. This was my first time doing anything like this, so I didn't even know it was an option to not take that test. I worried for 2 weeks and we had to go see a specialist.

This is when I believe that God was maybe preparing me for what was to come ahead.

Stay tuned for part two.

About Us

2009-05-23T06:12:00.017-05:00

Hi, my name's Mira . I want to tell you a little about myself and my family. It seems kind of strange to share about myself like this, but here goes. I was born in the big city of Los Angeles, and later moved to the plains of Kansas. I grew up with two younger brothers who taught me a lot about what it means to be tough. I also have some fantastic lifelong friends that I wish I could see more often. You know who you are. I went to a small private Christian college in Olathe, Ks where I studied to be a teacher. Since then I have been teaching various grade levels for the last 9 years.

While spending the summer of 1998 at home, I met my husband Tom and he quickly became my best friend. We both shared a lot in common especially the fact that he too is a teacher. He teaches middle school, for that I think he deserves a lot of credit. We have spent the last almost 9 years traveling to a new state each summer, visiting friends, watching basketball games, and just hanging out.

In March of 2007, after coming back from Chicago where we watched our favorite basketball team (the KU Jayhawks) play, I found out that I pregnant. That was the start of a whole new adventure for us. Little did we know how life-changing that year would be for us. Later on that year, we lost our baby boy, Caden. You can read more under Caden's story. We were devastated and did not know how we were going to get through such a tragic loss.

Back in June of 2008, I became new to the blogging world. A co-worker showed me her blog and mentioned that it might be a great way for me to journal my thoughts and feelings about how I was handling losing our first child. I decided to try it. It was one of the most healing things that I could have done. I was able to put my feelings out there and know that how I was doing and where this journey was taking me was OK. It also gave me a very concrete and real way to honor Caden and show him how much I missed him and still love him and can't wait to see him in heaven one day.

I have been challenged by many things since losing Caden, and my faith in God's goodness has truly been difficult. I still have a hard time understanding why Caden had to die, but ultimately I have surrendered my will to God and have grown knowing that God had other plans for Caden. I would not have made it through the last two years without leaning on my deliverer and my Lord. God stood by my family even when He felt oh so distant. He taught me so much more about his love for me and his amazing grace. I never realized what it meant to lay it ALL down before the Lord, but I know now that the moment of deepest pain, somehow God helped me give my son back to him. I will forever be changed because of Caden's short life.

In 2009, God decided that we were ready for yet another adventure, and I became pregnant with our 2nd child. In October we had a little girl and named her Jaycee. This name came from a song that we used to listen to in college by Carmen. I don't even know if he still makes music, but I thought it was a different and unique name and it has stuck ever since. She has brought a lot of joy back into our lives. She continues to amaze us with what she can do in the short amount of time she has been here. I daily see how God is using her to teach me many lessons about grace, unconditional love, friendship, and compassion. I hope soon to tell her about her big brother who is always watching out for her from heaven.